Why can’t Corbyn be a moderate like Kim Jong-Un? Steel satire (or irony?) at its best.

https://twitter.com/mrmarksteel

ms corbyn policies 2

This link takes readers to Mark Steel’s article in the Independent, but the small ‘i’ Independent has a crisper version. Below is an amalgam of the two.

nuclear buttonWe knew Jeremy Corbyn was mad, but now we know he’s psychotic. It turns out he won’t press the button to annihilate cities in a nuclear holocaust. How could anyone be that mentally unstable?

Corbyn revealed himself as a danger to us all by saying quietly “no”, in response to a calm and measured radio presenter yelling “Would you be prepared to press the button?” at him.

This should be a test in institutions for the criminally insane, to check whether an inmate should be released back into the community. If they suggest that, on balance, they wouldn’t obliterate a geopolitical region in radioactive firestorms slaughtering millions of civilians and rendering a continent uninhabitable for 50 billion years, they should go back in a straitjacket like Hannibal Lecter. 

This is one more consequence of Labour choosing an extremist as a leader. It’s such a shame they didn’t select a moderate who would be prepared to press the button, such as Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader.

The shadow Defence Secretary Maria Eagle said Corbyn’s answer “wasn’t helpful”, and you can see why she was so shocked by it.

He sprung this idea of opposing Trident on his party with no prior warning – except for a lifetime of vocal support for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, and campaigning to be Labour leader on the policy of opposing Trident.

He would have come across as far more trustworthy had he said: “Having spent my life opposing Trident, of course I’ll press the button.

“’ll do it now by practising on Weymouth, if you like.”

Now we’ve established that the country would be in terrible danger without Trident, the biggest worry is that only a few countries have nuclear missiles at all. All those places must be living in constant terror. Not only should we renew Trident, we should make extra Tridents, for all the countries that don’t have them, starting with Iceland and Vanuatu, or we’ll never be able to relax.

But the main reason we must keep making weapons that could blow up the planet is to preserve jobs.

The Conservative Party is especially anxious about this, which you can understand, because for the past 40 years it thought about little else apart from making sure everyone has a job.

nagasaki bomb effectBut, together, we can all address Corbyn’s difficulties. Because as with any mental health issue, maybe his problems can be resolved with therapy. An analyst could show him film of Hiroshima exploding, and ask in a soothing voice:

“Why do you feel uneasy about firing missiles 100 times more powerful than that? Is it because you had an argument with your father?”

Then he could be gently coaxed back to rational behaviour. He could start by injecting kittens with radiation, then spray plutonium around a school until the happy day when he answers a question about pressing the button by screaming “yes, yes, YES” like decent, normal, moderate people.

Only when he’s learned to shout “I WANT TO PRESS THE BUTTON AND MAKE EVERYONE’S SKIN DISSOLVE” should he be let free to mix safely with his fellow citizens.

Read more:  Jeremy Corbyn says ‘nuclear weapons didn’t do US much good on 9/11’

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Posted on October 3, 2015, in Defence, Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, Politics, Security, Watershed and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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